I was fine… until one day I wasn’t.
The depression descended on me like a dark cloud and sort of engulfed me. I almost picture (if you’ve watched it) the day after tomorrow where everyone is running away from the Tsunami before it consumes them.
I felt empty, like there was no life in me. I wanted to just fall on the floor, lie there and never move. Everything ached. I was exhausted. I was tired of life.
I didn’t really tell anyone other than my boyfriend who was so worried that he reached out to my family. I still can’t explain why it happened. I can never explain why it happens. It just does.
The worst time is when I’m at work and I have to socialise. In my mind, I’m blank. A shell. Going through the motions. I have nothing interesting to say yet I plaster this fake smile on and crack a few jokes so that people don’t realise that inside I feel hollow. There is nothing there.
Then there are the thoughts; the ones that take over telling you that nobody will miss you if you were to just disappear. You don’t matter. You have no impact. You’re not worth anyone’s time so stop bothering them.
Sometimes I can snap myself out of it by focussing my energy on something else. Other times, like last week, I’m not so lucky. When those times come, I just have to ride the wave until the end and no matter how desperately I want to get off, I can’t.
It’s so easy to get carried away and be sucked in by the voice that is telling you you’re nothing.
Make a list. Make a list of all the things that are good in your life. This will be hard but try. Write down all the things that you have planned or you want to plan for the future; places you want to go, things you want to see, even if it’s something so tiny as a lunch or a dinner with a friend. It’s something to push you forward. This feeling is temporary.
Be uncomfortable. Go out. You probably won’t want to if you’re like me in this state. You just want to wallow in your loneliness and isolation but this won’t help you in any way other than to make you feel worse. The whole idea is that you don’t want to feel like this. Going out means you are forced to socialise and think about something other than the crippling emptiness and one day you might find that everything doesn’t feel so dark anymore. People crack jokes and you laugh because you find it funny, not because you feel obliged. You’re no longer surviving through the days. You have hope that things will get better.