Ever said something out loud? Something you really don’t want to say but want to say at the same time? Don’t want to say it because then it’s real but equally, want to say it just so you can get it off your chest and have five seconds to breathe properly?
I was at a party where I met this guy, I’d known him before and he was interested in me. Truth be told I was sort of interested in him too. We decided to take some time to get to know one another, I felt a bit shy as he said “So, tell me more about yourself?”. So I told him my name, where I was from and my favourite colour. He laughed and said “I know all of that! Tell me something interesting, something that’ll surprise me, something you don’t usually tell to other people.”
So I blurted it out – I told him I suffered from anxiety, I told him that sometimes I worry about the smallest insignificant things so much so that it makes me sick. I told him how being anxious wasn’t just about worrying – it was this incurable sense of pickiness that just got to a part of my brain that wouldn’t let me forget it. Then I told him how last night I argued with my mum because she poured my food out on my plate in the (what I saw as) wrong order.
“You’re weird” he said and got up and walked off.
It was at that moment I realised – he didn’t get it. And what was worse? He didn’t even take the time out to try and get it.
As I left the party early feeling embarrassed and weird, my friend came up to me and asked me why I was leaving. “I saw you talking to him” she said, “he told me he really likes you”. It was that moment I also came to another realisation – he doesn’t like me, not the full me anyway.
Having anxiety doesn’t define me, but it’s part of who I am and is something I feel the effects of every day. If someone judges you for being you, then like I said, they really didn’t even like you in the first place and what’s the point of starting something with someone who can’t accept you? Talking to my friends about this really helped – it made me realise that whilst there are some people who just don’t understand and have no intention of ever trying to. There are people – loads of people – who care, who will try and understand your point of view and will still like and love you, even if you are “weird”. Those are the people to hold onto.